Eclectic Mess Of Crap: The Butthurt Diaries: Rush vs. iTunes User Reviews

Nothing like snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Boooooo. BOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (via)

I suppose it goes without saying for anyone who has known me for longer than 20 minutes that I am not in the greatest mood today, and depending on the Cleveland Browns to elevate it is like depending on ex-girlfriends for emotional support. It’s just not going to happen. (Late edit: Of course.)

So I’m in the mood to be a total dick today. No Magnificent Seven this week, because I wanted to spend my time eviscerating things, and there’s no better place to find things that are easy to poke holes in and cut down than a comment section on the Internet.

I’ve already addressed my disdain for comment sections, YouTube in particular, in previous posts, but it’s hard to really be able to pick away at a comment on YouTube. The main reason for this is it’s hard to pick at “fuk u fag”. If you’re writing like an 8^th grader, I’m going to treat you like an 8^th grader, and I prefer to wait until you’ve at least gotten to high school before I destroy you to make myself feel better.

However, there’s one place that you can get the idiocy of YouTube with the pretension of Pitchfork: The iTunes user review section. Many a day at work has been spent looking at iTunes reviews and thinking to myself, “How In the hell do you even know how to turn a computer on, let alone to let the world know ‘Taelor Swiff ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS shez just liek meeee!’?” So I figure that today would be a great time to absolutely destroy some stranger’s stupid opinion. Because that’s what the Internet is all about.

That and titties. And bacon.

SO: In the Fire Joe Morgan style (currently going strong over at Kissing Suzy Kolber), I’m going to list some reviews (names withheld) for some older, but mainly newer movies and albums. Then I’m going to list the reasons why I believe these reviews are positively moronic, and proof your Internet provider needs to take your service away. Ready? Good. All of these reviews are listed in the iTunes reviews section as of November 18, 2012. Quotes from the reviews are italicized, and my responses are…well, not. We’ll start with movies:

Magic Mike

You went into this movie looking for depth? (via)

First I wanted to address the critic blurb left with the movie: “Channing Tatum is electrifying!” says Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly. “If I looked like that, I could just take my pants off and have people consider me electrifying too!” says Johnathan Rush of Eclectic Mess of Crap.

Rest assured, ladies, I am NOT willing to put the work in to make my body look like that. Your relationships and marriages are safe.

Now onto the review: “I guess you have to be completely shallow or just plain senseless to enjoy this movie. The ONLY good in this film is the few scenes of Channing dancing…”

So you bitch about the film being shallow, then you say the only good part of the film is when the pretty boy had his shirt off? Right-o.

“I’m sorry, Channing, I know you wrote the screenplay and it’s loosely based on your life…”

Holy shit, really? REALLY.

“but leave the writing to people who know what they’re doing. Aside from that, Channing is gorgeous.”

This review worked out to basically say, “This film is too shallow, but the only good parts were the shallow parts. The guy who wrote the film and lived the experiences has no idea what he’s talking about, and he should stop expressing himself creatively and just grate cheese on his abs.” GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC.

"You can cross. Totally. Go. NOW." (via)

That’s My Boy

This picture alone makes me like Samberg 10% less. (via)

Happy Madison movies do not age well. If you haven’t seen the “Billy Madison” or “Happy Gilmore” movies in a while, and you have good memories of them, don’t watch them again. Trust me. Opinion aside, let’s see how a current Happy Madison movie holds up, at least according to the iTunes Illuminati:

“HOW COULD ANYONE NOT LIKE THIS???”

Uh oh.

“This movie is fantastically funny – a throwback to the old Adam Sandler movies.”

That’s the problem, guy. 15 years and he’s still writing the same movie. Christ, even I’ve grown up some.

“Really, click, grown-ups, funny people – those were horrible films that barely made me laugh. This movie had me laughing hard the entire time.”

We’re 66% in agreement here. “Click” and “Grown-Ups” were awful movies. “Funny People” really wasn’t supposed to make you laugh. Surprisingly, this review didn’t end with, “Yeah, and that ‘Punch-Drunk Love’ was a crock of shit, man! Light some poo on fire! And stop trying to make movies where you don’t do funny voices!”

The Amazing Spider-Man

You can do no wrong. (via)

A reboot of the popular “Spider-Man” franchise, this movie has Emma Stone in it. That’s all that really matters, I think.

“A third of this movie is a mediocre remake of the first Spider-Man movie”

Sooooo a movie franchise was “rebooted” (which is a less offputting way of saying “remake”) and your issue is that some of the scenes were repeated. Way to adjust your expectations before sitting down, chief.

“Another third of the movie is a bad teenage soap opera”

Because that didn’t happen in any of the previous movies? Bud, Kirsten Dunst is a lot of things. A nuanced actress is not one of them.

“It was boring”

BLOW SOME SHIT UP MURRICA ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE

(via)

Moonrise Kingdom

Wes Anderson is creative. His movie posters are not. (via)

I enjoy Wes Anderson’s movies for the most part, but absolutely understand why his movies are considered to be “pretentious” (I’m getting a TON of mileage out of that word lately) and go over the head of many moviegoers. Let’s see the joy of someone not understanding either the movie or how iTunes’ terms and conditions work:

“I really need to write to Apple and get my money back on this movie”

Dear Apple,

I’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t understand what the words “all sales are final” means.

Sincerely, Whiny Fucking Idiot

Take my word for this, from personal and professional experience: If you do decide to get around to “writing to Apple”, they’ll write back within 24-48 hours to tell you that you’re not getting a penny of your money back, but they’ll also have passed around your email to their fellow employees and are laughing at how you think you’re anything more than an ineffectual dipshit.

“Apparently, what I saw and what everyone gave 5 stars is completely different.”

No, their attention span is longer than 45 seconds, so they could pay attention and enjoy the movie as a whole.

“While watching this sorry waste of time I was hoping Armageddon would strike either the characters or my local neighborhood so I could be done with this and resume watching Eat, Pray, Love…”

Deseray hates these pictures. "Cake is supposed to be for happy times!" (via)

The Big Lebowski

I am prepared to go full Sobchak on someone talking bad about this movie. (via)

Last but not least in the movie department, I wanted to see how my personal favorite movie is being reviewed in iTunes Land (to be fair, I’m not entirely certain English is the reviewer’s first language):

“This movie was so far one of the worst I have ever watch from the I-Tune store. It contains a lot of bad and vulgar language which is repeatedly expressed by the main actors.”

Fuck you.

Now onto music, which I’m reeeeeeeeeeally looking forward to, as people tend to be rigidly stupid and close-minded about their music (I am also guilty of this):

Psy – “Gangnam Style”

(via)

Had to include this, if only because now that it’s been out of fashion for a couple of months, we should be coming up on the time where the folks in the South and Midwest pick it back up. “THE MIDWEST: BEHIND THE TIMES SINCE AT LEAST 1980”

(I’m typing out this review verbatim, as is. Frankly, because I have nothing to add. Parody review or not, it’s sparkling.)

“Man what is theise shieet? Mans thanked him for not too much haste c’mon plesase? I just have want to make a song then should sounded well and goods, but no change of chance as there was becasue I was too you yoghurt and cheese crackers something sometimes and then there that thing those ceux and his job not was to many get distrcted in elevator with him and her who was what wing chicken cracker barrel xheese. Sd memory cards are now being having able to suported maybe 256 giggle bits of data information storage @ghost peper flames in this song. Nice beats and things by the ways, all the time. Methink what is there and killer joe got a big presented by his ma”

Review doesn’t make sense? NEITHER DOES THE FUCKING SONG, regardless of translation.

The Weeknd – Trilogy

(via)

I very much like The Weeknd. His version of “Dirty Diana” is on more than one playlist of mine, so it gets fair rotation on the few occasions I do listen to music. I’m also pretty excited to sit down and give this double-disc a listen. Some of these people, on the other hand, are not:

“Copying the dream sound and Michael Jackson”

Because no one’s ever gotten rich copying Michael Jackson.

Presented without comment. (via)

“I hear a lot of noise and whining…but no music”

"Hmm. Yes. Indeed." (via)

“I am so disappointed! I will never preorder an album again!”

Yep. The reason you’re dissatisfied is not because all of these songs have already been released on his mixtapes, and if you like him enough to preorder his first album on iTunes, you most likely already own them. The reason you’re dissatisfied is because you preordered the album without looking at a track listing, and are kind of hating yourself for being an idiot who is wasteful with money.

I, on the other hand, don’t have the mixtapes. BOUGHT IT.

Taylor Swift – Red

This is not the album cover. But it should be. (via)

Ugh. The most saccharine, grating personality in music releasing her “I’m a grown up now, y’all!” album. Reading these reviews may give me the diabeetus.

(via)

“Taylor has done it again. This album is the quintessence of country pop.”

(via)

“Her venturing into more of the pop genre is clearly exhibited but her soft spoken detail filled lyrics are still there.”

“Her ruining another genre of music is totally happening, but fortunately, she’s still embarrassingly open about every guy who’s ever touched her ~~boobies~~ heart!”

“This album makes me proud to be a Swiftie for more than six years!”

Is this actually a thing? If so, maybe they and the Beliebers can fight to the death.

Rihanna – Unapologetic (Deluxe Version)

Insert lazy DV "joke" here. (via)

This album hasn’t even been released yet, and yet the reviews are already in. For the most part, they’re glowing. Someone, however, seems to have just discovered Rihanna, despite being a “long-time” fan.

“I’m sure the music on here is great, but she tricked us! It’s textbook.”

And she would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you darn kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg!

And what fucking textbooks are you reading? You need to drop that class. Immediately.

“Rihanna releases this wonderful, squeaky-clean song “diamonds” making me think she’s going to clean up her image, and then this. The repeated sleaziness is getting reallllllllly old.”

So a musical artist releases a clean song to play on the radio, and keeps her other music in gear with her original audience’s tastes? You don’t say!