The Magnificent Seven #1 - Favorite "Dateline" Predators

Chris Hansen has a new show coming out.  This is a very big deal to me.  Most know why.

"What are you doing here, exactly?" 

I have an unhealthy fascination with “Dateline: To Catch a Predator”. Yes, still. I know it was cancelled a few years ago. I don’t care. It’s still uncomfortable TV at its absolute best. For those that have been living under a rock since 2005, or for the pretentious “I don’t own a TV” crowd that might happen to stumble upon this during an errant Google search, “Dateline: To Catch a Predator” revolves around…you know what? Here. I don’t feel like typing the whole thing out.

It hits all of the high points I look for in a television show: smugness, discomfort, people getting caught dead-to-rights in blatant lies told to attempt to cover their asses, several different flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade I didn’t even knew existed (green apple? F’real.), more discomfort, some crying, and a generally happy ending. Well, as happy an ending as someone face-down in gravel with handcuffs being clicked on can provide, I suppose.

Since we keep it topical here (my next post is going to be a running diary-style blog about this new movie “Avatar”), and I like writing about things that make me laugh, I wanted to dedicate my initial list-style post to my personal favorites. The crème de la crème of perverts, if you will. I wanted to make sure I only included guys that were actually convicted in court due to their appearance on the show, which limited me a little bit, but did allow me the luxury of not feeling like a dickhead for listing real names.  But I’ve seen most of these shows way too many times (as poor Bug can attest to) to not be able to still have a liberal selection available. All still photos and videos used here related to the show are intellectual property of NBC (these slimy pricks aren’t the only ones that can cover their asses) and because I love you all so, I took the liberty myself of linking the chat transcript from perverted-justice.com to each of the individual upstanding citizens’ entries. Most of the YouTube clips shown are from the YouTube profile "DatelineArchives", and all photos came from Google Images. 

Fair warning, readers from Ohio: 3 of the 7 are from the Darke County, OH TCAP, which…hoo boy. I realistically could have filled out all 7 with Ohio peeps. It hurt me a great deal to have to leave “meatrocket8” off this list.

#7 – Alonzo Wade (alonzo403) – TCAP 4 – Ohio

"You're out here trying to find a pedofiler. I'm not." 

This is the guy that taught me about the different flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. While I’m grateful for the knowledge in case my 19-year-old cousin ever asks me for booze recommendations, that’s really the only thing to be grateful about in this case. Dude sticks to his story, even when confronted with hard (huh huh) evidence to the contrary, and that’s either weirdly admirable or brick-smashingly stupid. Bonus slimeball points for unzipping your own fly as soon as you walk in the house, but bud makes the list for his 4 word answer when asked what’s he’s doing in the house:  “I’m HERE….to party!”

The fun starts at 3:30. 

#6 – Walter Babst (kinky_man_in_corona) – TCAP 3 – Riverside, CA

I have no caption funnier than that hair.

Look at this mug. This is the teacher (making this even more horrifying and disgusting) that showed up, got confronted, went full deer-in-headlights mode and asked to be executed. Can’t help but think that would have been the easy way to go, considering the alternatives. This guy ranks on the list because of the aforementioned babbling, that awesome stache/hairstyle combination, the Canadian tuxedo he wears for this special occasion, and the first words he utters when confronted: “Am I under arrest?” Fair warning-reading this dude’s chatlog is nightmare fuel.

#5 – Timothy Isaac (parknride469) – TCAP 4 – Ohio

Go Bucks!

Now the fucking “Super Mario” music is stuck in my head, and I hope it’s stuck in your head too. Once again, this bud keeps with the longstanding stereotype of the pedophile mustache, he showed up at 2am, blowing any possible story he might have cooked up completely out of the water, he actually says in the chat log “15 can get me 20” (which is THE MOST OHIO SAYING EVER and the main reason he’s ranked), and for my own individual enjoyment, is rocking a Ohio State hat. Hopefully people don’t start insinuating all Buckeyes fans are pedophiles. Or continue to insinuate it.

HEYOOOOOOO! (Eric Waugh image via landgrantholyland.com)

#4 – Corey Edgar (ricks_talented_tongue) – TCAP 8 – Long Beach, CA

"I knew this was a setup!" But you came anyway.

This fucking guy. There are 2 primary reasons this bud makes my list. The first reason is the fact that he talks himself into the fact that the chat is a setup on more than one occasion, knows what he is looking to do is horribly wrong, seems to have second thoughts…but shows up anyway and gets confronted pretty much as soon as he gathers the courage to walk in the house.  NOT CAREFUL ENOUGH, PERVERT.

The second reason he makes the list is that voice. Jesus, listen to that accent. I’d rather listen to a dozen Yinzers talk about foreign policy than listen to this douchebucket whine and mope his way through a conversation. We get it, guy. You’re so smart. You knew it was a setup. You still showed up, and now you’re a RSO for the rest of your life. Still think your voice will be the primary reason you end up alone, though.

#3 – Jeffrey Stacey (singletxguyforfun) – TCAP 4 – Ohio

This guy looks like a bigger pussy than me. 

This dude looks like someone you’d expect to be chatting with if you’re chatting with strangers online (I still can’t get over the fact that people still do this), and looks like pretty much the physical manifestation of any joke about what a phone sex operator (NUEY LOOOOOOOOOVE joke for the fam) really looks like. Like our bud at #4, he also has a voice that makes nails on a chalkboard sound like Michael Buble.

What gets this guy on the list, though, is the flippancy with which he addresses some of his questions posed to the decoy when read back to him by Chris Hansen. In both look and speech, he gives the impression he’s shocked this is even a big deal. (Hansen quotes first, then creepo)

“You ask her if she’s horny”….”What’s wrong with that???”

“You ask…if she does anal.”….”It’s a question!”

Oh, and once in police custody, he made a pathetic, half-assed attempt to kill himself using a pen. YAAAAAAAAY making this bud register as a sex offender for the rest of his life!

(video via YouTube profile Nightowl358) 

#2 – David Schumacher – TCAP 5 – Ft. Myers, FL

"I don't want to be on the news, dawg." 

 THIS DUDE. This guy could very easily be at the top of my list, and would be if it wasn’t for the #1 spot being blatantly obvious. This guy struck me as every piece of white trash I’ve ever met. Overwhelmingly confident (and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why), sandy blonde pubestache, urban accent despite most likely never living anywhere that would be considered “urban” (Sorry, Ft. Myers. You’re a glorified retirement community), and a strong belief that he can talk his way out of anything.

As he talks to the cops after his arrest (and you bet your ass he tried to bolt first), he asks if a picture being taken of him is “for, um…for ya pedophile thing”, then says “Good, because when I get found not guilty, I’m gonna sue somebody!”

He was found guilty, spent almost 5 years in jail, and is a lifetime registered sex offender. He also had a rapsheet longer than my ween before any of the Dateline stuff came to light. No lawsuits today, dawg.

(video via YouTube profile dawgskats)

Before I get into the #1 ranking, I alluded earlier in the conversation to poor Bug having to see these shows so many times because she chose to date a weirdo. I wanted to give her the opportunity to choose her own “special mentions”, mainly because when I told her about my 7, she said “But what about (this guy), (this guy) and (this guy)? How can they not be on the list?” So Bug’s Special Mentions are:

Special Mention #1 – generic_white_male – TCAP 5 – Ft. Myers, FL

"What??? No way!" 

“I don't want this cookie. I just want to get to the beach.”

I don’t want to use this guy’s real name, because he’s not listed as a “conviction” on the Perverted Justice website, nor is his chat transcript listed. I still agreed to list him because the reason he’s so memorable to Bug has absolutely nothing to do with his transcript or anything gross. This dude is memorable for his love of cookies.

 (video via YouTube profile Kree T.V.)

Special Mention #2 – Lance Fine (FirstAndGrand) – TCAP 10 – Flagler Beach,FL

"Jesus! JESUS CHRIST!"

 “What’s the police officer doing here?”

Arresting your sorry ass. This guy almost made my list, and I’m glad I get to end up including him after all. That chat log is either horrifying or absolutely hilarious. We also thought he sounded like Mr. Slave from “South Park”, although that again might have had to do with what he was asking for in his chat log. He’s also one of those guys who laughs when someone reads the chat back to him, which HAS to be nervous laughter, doesn’t it? Either that, or he finds getting beaten up by a teenager to be funny in addition to being a turn on. Gross.

You'll see what I mean starting at about the 2:30 mark.

Special Mention #3 – Malik Washington (loverboy212x) – TCAP 11 –Ocean County, NJ

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? PER-VERT DOUCHE-BAG!" 

This guy doesn’t get mentioned for his chat log or anything like that. This guy gets mentioned for 2 reasons: first off, this GROWN ASS MAN coming over to attempt to rape and molest a teenager…is wearing a fucking Spongebob SquarePants jacket. I don’t know, maybe he wanted to come across as less threatening?

The second reason is the reason Bug asked him to be included: After Chris Hansen tells him who he is and the cameras come out, this dude ASKS CHRIS HANSEN FOR A RIDE. When Hansen tells him that’s not possible, he says “I gotta walk back?” in a tone that can only be described as Bug did: “guilt-trippy”.

Direct quote from Bug – “You show up to bang a teenager, get in trouble for it, then you want to try to make someone feel like an asshole…for not giving you a ride home?”

Just let it play. 

 And now, the only man who could really top this list:

#1 – Rabbi David Kaye (REDBD) – TCAP 2 – Virginia

I am positively convinced that if it weren’t for this guy, his profession, and his actions during and after the bust, “To Catch a Predator” would not have been nearly as popular a show. Pretty much anyone who’s watched the show knows of this guy, and plenty of people who never watched the show still know of this guy.

 My favorite part of this story would be the fact that, although police presence was not a part of this specific episode (didn’t start until TCAP 3), he was still arrested and prosecuted. He was sentenced to the longest jail term of anyone arrested in connection with the show, and the main reason for it was because he a)actually chose to take it to a trial by judge and b)the judge in question felt Kaye lied during his testimony.

(video via YouTube profile stoquan)

 Even though this show is a legitimate reason that I don’t want children (bringing a kid into a world with people like this? Naah, I’m good), that was fun, and a lot longer than I intended originally. I hope you get as many laughs out of it as I did writing it, and still do to this day.

Enjoy the day.

@johnathanrush