Thanks for coming back.
Really didn’t feel much like writing during the week. The
reasons for it are, for now, not something I feel comfortable getting into, and
I hope I don’t have to. But suffice it to say, this has not been my most
creative week. In fact, if it were not for something happening in sports LAST
week, I might not have anything to write about, and would again have to resort
to esoteric references. (For the love of all that is holy, would you people
watch “Arrested Development?” It’s on Netflix Instant, and if you don’t have
Netflix, the DVDs aren’t expensive. You will be a smarter and funnier person
for it, and I get absolutely no money if you buy the DVDs through that link.)
Anyway, the story goes: after last week’s game between
Wyoming and Air Force, Wyoming head coach Dave Christiansen was not happy with
his team’s 28-27 loss. He may have been unhappy because his team was up by 10
at halftime and still lost. He may have been unhappy because he’s stuck in Wyoming.
(That might not be fair, as I’ve never been to Wyoming, but as someone who has
heard every West Virginia joke in the book, most coming from people who’ve never
been south of Morgantown, if they’ve been to the state at all, I don’t really
care.) But he was most likely unhappy with his belief that an Air Force player faked
an injury in order to buy Air Force some more time.Whatever he was unhappy with…well, he was really unhappy:
My personal favorite was “No fuckin’ integrity! WHOOOOO!”
mainly because A) people in organized football take dives ALL THE TIME (see
last week’s Steelers/Bengals game), and B) things like “integrity” and “class”
are bullshit platitudes/qualities in sports that only naïve assholes still argue
about. There is no “integrity” in most organized sports. To quote a guy who
surprisingly didn’t make this list, “You play to win the game! Hello???” Face
it, Dave. You got outsmarted, so you developed a case of severe butthurt that,
thankfully, gave me an idea. I wanted to go over what I consider to be the
greatest coach/manager meltdowns. The only criteria I put into place for this
one is that I had to be alive for it (You’re lucky, Woody Hayes!). Fortunately,
I’m old enough to already be a possible junior pitchman for Just For Men, so we
have plenty to work with. Some of the information gathered here is from Wikipedia, your source for all truths on the Internet. All video clips are from YouTube, and all images are from Google Images.
#7 – Jim Schoenfeld *Heart*s Don Koharski -1988
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| This is a CD you actually released. The "tough-guy" act fools no one. |
Being a hockey guy who is going through withdrawal (and no,
I will NOT watch the KHL, you can eat dogdoo for suggesting it, thanks), I
wanted to include a hockey meltdown if only because I thought the sight of the
blue lines and hearing Canadian accents might soothe my battered soul. I’m kind
of angry at myself for this not jumping into my head as soon as I decided this
is what I wanted to write about, because this bad boy is priceless. The
background: Schoenfeld was coaching the New Jersey Devils, who had just lost
Game 3 of the Wales Conference (*sigh*) 6-1 to the Boston Bruins. After the game,
Schoenfeld confronted referee Koharski, and during the argument, Koharski fell.
Koharski accused Schoenfeld of pushing him, as did other fans witnessing the
confrontation. What Schoenfeld had to say after the fact, though, is why he’s
here:
“It’s because ya fell, ya fat pig! Have another doughnut!
Have another doughnut!” Also, as you can see, Schoenfeld didn’t actively push
anyone. The aftermath of this may have been even better, as Schoenfeld was
suspended for Game 4. The suspension was overturned by an injunction filed in a
New Jersey court about an hour before Game 4’s start time, which led to the referees
leaving the ice and refusing to work Game 4. Replacement officials were used
for Game 4, Schoenfeld was suspended for Game 5, and the referees came back to
work.
#6 – Jim Mora – “Playoffs?!?!”- 2001
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| This picture made me laugh, so I included it. |
Not a whole lot to say about this that isn’t already known.
Jim Mora was coaching the Indianapolis Colts in 2001, and in November, they had
fallen to 4-6 after an ugly loss to San Francisco. Mora already had a
reputation for not holding much back (refer to the “diddly-poo” rant in 1996
when he was with New Orleans), and someone at the press conference had the
temerity to ask Mora if this could still be a playoff team. The rest is
history:
Yeah, he got fired at the end of the season. He never had a
major head coaching job again.
#5 –Dennis Green Is Not Quite Who You Think He Is – 2006
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| I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. |
Dennis Green was a branch of the Bill Walsh coaching tree
that had some success in the NFL, spending 10 mostly successful years as the head
coach of the Minnesota Vikings before being hired by the Arizona Cardinals in
2004 (he spent 2 years in between working as an analyst for ESPN). Any success
he may have had in Minnesota didn’t transfer to Arizona, however, and by 2006,
Green’s job was in jeopardy. Losing a 20-point lead to the Chicago Bears
certainly didn’t help matters, and neither did this post-game presser:
For someone who was widely considered to be a soft-spoken
coach, this was largely out of character. Obviously, it was also hilarious.
Like #6, Green was fired at the end of the season, and has not held an NFL job
since.
#4 –Hal McRae Trashes His Office -1993
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| If you'd have kept those 'chops, you would never be angry. |
Hal McRae was a better-than-average baseball player in the ‘70s
and ‘80s (3-time All-Star with the Kansas City Royals) who was able to parlay
his baseball knowledge into a managerial gig with his former team.
Unfortunately, he was not a better-than-average manager, and by April 1993,
McRae, despite having a team that would finish with his best managerial record
to that point, was frustrated. With what, exactly, is unclear. Is he frustrated
with the reporters? The team? Himself? Judge for yourself:
Yeah, guess it was the reporters. McRae finished his tenure in Kansas City on an upswing, as
the team’s record improved each full season he was there. However, after the
strike-shortened 1994 season, McRae left the Royals and would not get another
managerial job until 2001 with Tampa Bay, where he lost 169 games in 2 seasons.
#3 – Mike Gundy Wants You To Know How Old He Is – 2007
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| This is the greatest proof-of-life photo ever. |
It was very difficult for me to not rank this #1. Some
backstory: In September 2007, a story was written for The Oklahoman regarding possible reasons Oklahoma State’s
quarterback at the time was benched. Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy did
not care for the tone of the article, and made that pretty clear. I love
college football, and love people who are passionate about college football.
Mike Gundy is definitely the latter:
The writeup is shorter for this one for a couple of reasons.
First off, Gundy has been increasingly successful in each season since this
happened, so there’s not much of the man’s professional career to mock. Second,
the video really says it all.
#2 – Lee Elia’s Ode To Cubs Fans – 1983
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| Surprised he didn't autograph it, "Get a job, asshole. Signed, Lee Elia" |
In 1983, the Chicago Cubs looked bleak. Aside from Lee
Arthur Smith (which is how he will always be referred to here at Eclectic Mess
Of Crap) and a 40-year-old Fergie Jenkins, the pitching staff doesn’t scream “world-beater”.
The infield had a young Ryne Sandberg, Billy Buckner (whose knees were Swiss
cheese even then), and very old versions of Larry Bowa and Ron Cey. Leon Durham
was a starting outfielder, and a 23-year-old Joe Carter wasn’t, which is really
all that needs to be said there. I bunch all of this depression together not to
ruin my brother’s day (hi @SpecialKRush), but to lead to the inevitable
conclusion that Cubs fans were well within their rights to boo this team to the
Stone Age. Their manager at the time, Lee Elia, disagreed:
Do I have to be the person to tell you that Elia didn’t even
make it through the 1983 season?
#1 – John Chaney Kinda Commits A Felony - 1994
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| He might look like Yertle the Turtle, but he will kill you. |
Hoo boy. OK, where to start here…during the 1993-94 college
basketball season, the Atlantic 10 actually mattered. They mattered a great
deal due to having the University of Massachusetts (coached by John Calipari)
and Temple University (coached by John Chaney) as part of the conference roll
call, as both teams would finish with over 20 wins and make the NCAA
Tournament. In February 1994, after a hard-fought game (won by UMass), Chaney
crashed Calipari’s postgame press conference to accuse Calipari of “working”
the referees in order to get calls. As he alludes to in the video, Chaney had just been warned about similar behavior
after a game earlier in the season against West Virginia (let's goooooooo Mountaineers!), so he was
understandably unhappy about having it used against him after the fact. How he
handled it, however…:
Sure, telling someone “I’ll kill you!” in a crowded room of
people carrying tape recorders and cameras might not have been the best way to
handle things on an adult level. On a memorable level, however, it’s #1 with a
bullet.
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