Worst. Customers. EVAR.

Not you guys. You're awesome. (via)

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? No? That’s cool. I wasn’t looking for you either.

Anyway, I know it’s been a while, but I honestly have an excuse this time: There’s been A LOT going on, with a move up I-10 being my primary time murderer. The move itself and the preceding difficulty in finding a domicile that someone would be willing to rent someone who didn’t live in town currently (much more difficult than it really should have been, IMO) has eaten up a large portion of any and all free time I had, and the time that wasn’t tied up with that was…well, let’s just say I didn’t feel very social. In fact, I might have been more hateful than usual, which is really saying something.

The second thing that’s been front-and-center is getting what the kids like to call a “real job”. For those who don’t know, I’ve spent the last 5 or 6 years doing customer service/tech support work in various and sundry call centers. While the line of work originally appealed to me mainly because I didn’t have to look at people, the last couple of years have seen a sharp downturn in, if I can be frank, anything resembling decency. The short version: PEOPLE GET RECKLESS WHEN THEY CAN’T SEE YOU. They tend to think of you as just a voice, and not a person, and will treat you as such. Something I liked to ask customers toward the end of my time in the field was “Would you go into Wal-Mart (or Target, if you think you’re one of those people that’s ‘too good’ for Wal-Mart) and behave like this at their customer service desk?” Sure, I got the occasional yes, mainly from sociopaths/people from New Jersey, but by and large, the answer was a resounding no. Seeing people on assorted social networks talking about how they “get things done” when they call into places like the ones that employed me was also hilarious, as not one thing I saw would have been successful dealing with me. Not one, and I was good at what I did, for the most part.

I’d also briefly like to touch on the ridiculous concept of what I used to do being “not a real job”. For starters, I got paid with real money, so your argument is immediately invalid. Secondly, go fuck yourself with a rusty railroad spike.

So, in honor of me leaving the private-sector customer service industry, I’d like to present some of my least favorite customer types to deal with. I am warning you now: this post is GIF-heavy (all GIFs via gifcentral.blogspot.com, unless otherwise noted), so you may not want to deal with it from a smartphone. Also, you may end up a little upset, as you may feel like one of the types of people I describe is describing you. If that’s the case, maybe you need to examine yourself. I’m just pointing these things out to you, not tying you to them. Don’t shoot the messenger and all that stuff.

So, in no particular order, with some help from former co-workers, my least favorite customer types:

“Only Does Product Research via Commercials Guy”

Sample Question:  “Why doesn’t this (look/perform) like it does in the commercials?”

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background:  This person is the person who goes into McDonalds and gets upset that their McDouble doesn’t look like it does on the menu. This person is entirely too lazy to do any research on their product or service that isn’t thrust in front of them during showings of “Burn Notice” or “Royal Pains” or some other garbage show on USA that isn’t Law and Order repeats. This person also still believes in the Tooth Fairy, because they saw that movie with The Rock. This customer seems to have a genetic inability to read fine print. This person is an asshole.

“The Tag Team”

Sample Interaction: “Hold on, my husband knows more about this stuff than I do…hold on, my wife is the one that pays the bill…hold on, my husband…” Ad infinitum.

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background: These people have an innate fear of confrontation, so they tend to pass the phone to their spouse the minute they get information they don’t like (“I’m sorry, but your device isn’t meant to withstand being thrown against a brick wall because you were mad the Knicks lost.”) That wouldn’t be a problem if they bothered to communicate ANYTHING we talked about with their spouse before handing the phone. So now I have to re-explain the issue, which gets…you guessed it…passed back to the spouse. JUST PICK SOMEONE FOR ME TO QUOTE COMPANY POLICY TO GODDAMMIT

“The Chiseler”

Sample Interaction: “So if I pretend I want to cancel my service, do you think they’ll give me (X) for free?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: This person wants something for nothing. This person is a huge fan of the sentence “I should be billing you for my time.” Welp, you may as well go ahead and send me to collections, you arrogant douchebag, because guess what? Life’s full of unpleasant interactions. If you were calling about a real issue, then maybe some empathy is in order, but you’re calling about a $10 charge on your bill because you think you can just tap on anything you see on your smartphone’s internet (I can’t imagine what this customer’s laptop/desktop looks like). Like “Commercials” customer, this customer also has a genetic inability to read fine print. I got genuine pleasure in telling this type of customer…well, you heard Dean Ambrose.

“Might Be Committing A Crime In The Background”

Sample Interaction: “Hold on a minute…*OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING*

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: They might be hitting the bong while waiting for a program to download. They might have just found out their kid called 1-800-COME IN MY MOUTH (Hey brother!) during that sleepover they had last month. You’re usually tipped off as to what’s coming by an awkward silence extending anywhere from 3-10 seconds. It’s best to just slowly back out of the call. In fact, let’s pretend none of this happened. I didn’t even write this. Don’t depose me, Child Services!

“The IT Guy”

Sample Interaction:  “I have an engineering degree from…what’s VPN?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

(via)

Background: Another blatant liar. Will tell you whatever he/she thinks is necessary for you to be in awe of their “intellect”. Usually have less education than you do, or at least behave as such. Is an insult to those who actually have engineering degrees. Have to resist every urge to scream “THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME, MENSA?!?!” at the top of my lungs. I hate this customer with a passion.

“The Good Old Days”

Sample Interaction: “This company’s going to hell! I remember when…”

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background: This person loooooooooves to talk about how they’ve been a customer “for 30 years”, even when the company’s only been in existence for 15. This person also has “Racist Customer” and “Veruca Salt” qualities, but they’d rather tell you about when they only had 3 channels and the company they’re currently calling would drop everything to help them. Don’t (or won’t) understand that they’re not the only customer in existence. Ultimately harmless, but frustrating nonetheless.

“Racist Customer”

Sample Interaction: “Oh, honey, thank goodness you speak English.”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: Hoo boy, where do I begin? Usually older, from either the Deep South or the Midwest. They don’t think they’re racist, they’re just “concerned about keeping jobs in America”. In their head, it’s still 1957, and they’re still pissed that the Dodgers left Brooklyn and/or that they have to share their water fountains. Love to begin the interaction with “Where are you located?”, and are eager to say “THEN YOU NEED TO TRANSFER ME TO SOMEONE IN MURRICA”. Can be easily defeated by naming NASCAR drivers. Seriously. 

“Veruca Salt”

Sample Interaction: (calling at 7pm PST) “You can’t get someone here til the morning? Well, that’s unacceptable.”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: Like the “Good Old Days” customer, don’t seem to understand they’re not the only customer your organization has. LOVES the sentences “What am I paying you for?” (even though they’re not paying for anything, in many cases) and “I want to speak to your supervisor” (Yeah, they’re not helping you with your unreasonable request either.)  Primarily exist in the Midwest and West Coast. Used to getting their way, and are completely unaccustomed to hearing the word “no”. The line “Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit” from The Big Lebowski comes to mind frequently when dealing with this type of customer.

“No Identifying Information, and That’s YOUR Fault!”

Sample Interaction: “Why would I need my account number?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

(via)

Background: This person doesn’t feel the need to have any of their identifying information, and can’t understand why they would need any. They’re briefly convinced that you’re at the forefront of a conspiracy to keep them from accessing information that is rightfully theirs. They would be the first person to file a complaint if someone else was able to access their account information, and are easily shut down by presenting that very question to them. Usually won’t even give the courtesy of the sentence “Let me call you back” before they hang up in your ear.

“Won’t Take No For An Answer”

Sample Interaction: “No, I have NOT called in 7 times already to try to have this removed!”

Reaction GIF: 

Background: Unlike “The Chiseler”, this customer has absolutely no problems taking up an entire day (or more, if necessary) repeatedly calling in about a charge for a product or service that, while absolutely valid, they don’t feel like they should have to pay for for whatever reason. This customer also usually doesn’t understand how record keeping works, as they will deny any previous calls to their graves. Also a big fan of “Let me talk to your supervisor”, and it doesn’t work for them either.

In closing, a bit of advice if you want to get something done when calling a customer service labyrinth:

a)      BE POLITE: I understand you’ve called in 3 times already, and I understand you think the previous person hung up on you. Hell, maybe they did. But I did not. Keep it civil, and the person on the other end of the phone (if they’re worth a damn, and yes, I know some aren’t) will go out of their way to help you.

b)      KEEP IT SHORT AND STAY ON TOPIC: We don’t care about your grandkids coming to see you or about how your neighborhood is going to shit. We’re just here to change your wifi password.

c)       TAKE IT EASY WITH THE SURVEY: Many organizations are calling or emailing you after your call to survey how the advisor did. If you’re unhappy with a company’s policy or something of that nature, DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON THE SURVEY. Your “bad day” might have just cost that person their job. Chill.

d)      BE POLITE: It bears repeating.

I would also like to thank each and every person that I had the pleasure of working with over the last 6 years. You made the job tolerable, even fun at times, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

@johnathanrush