Worst. Customers. EVAR.

Not you guys. You're awesome. (via)

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? No? That’s cool. I wasn’t looking for you either.

Anyway, I know it’s been a while, but I honestly have an excuse this time: There’s been A LOT going on, with a move up I-10 being my primary time murderer. The move itself and the preceding difficulty in finding a domicile that someone would be willing to rent someone who didn’t live in town currently (much more difficult than it really should have been, IMO) has eaten up a large portion of any and all free time I had, and the time that wasn’t tied up with that was…well, let’s just say I didn’t feel very social. In fact, I might have been more hateful than usual, which is really saying something.

The second thing that’s been front-and-center is getting what the kids like to call a “real job”. For those who don’t know, I’ve spent the last 5 or 6 years doing customer service/tech support work in various and sundry call centers. While the line of work originally appealed to me mainly because I didn’t have to look at people, the last couple of years have seen a sharp downturn in, if I can be frank, anything resembling decency. The short version: PEOPLE GET RECKLESS WHEN THEY CAN’T SEE YOU. They tend to think of you as just a voice, and not a person, and will treat you as such. Something I liked to ask customers toward the end of my time in the field was “Would you go into Wal-Mart (or Target, if you think you’re one of those people that’s ‘too good’ for Wal-Mart) and behave like this at their customer service desk?” Sure, I got the occasional yes, mainly from sociopaths/people from New Jersey, but by and large, the answer was a resounding no. Seeing people on assorted social networks talking about how they “get things done” when they call into places like the ones that employed me was also hilarious, as not one thing I saw would have been successful dealing with me. Not one, and I was good at what I did, for the most part.

I’d also briefly like to touch on the ridiculous concept of what I used to do being “not a real job”. For starters, I got paid with real money, so your argument is immediately invalid. Secondly, go fuck yourself with a rusty railroad spike.

So, in honor of me leaving the private-sector customer service industry, I’d like to present some of my least favorite customer types to deal with. I am warning you now: this post is GIF-heavy (all GIFs via gifcentral.blogspot.com, unless otherwise noted), so you may not want to deal with it from a smartphone. Also, you may end up a little upset, as you may feel like one of the types of people I describe is describing you. If that’s the case, maybe you need to examine yourself. I’m just pointing these things out to you, not tying you to them. Don’t shoot the messenger and all that stuff.

So, in no particular order, with some help from former co-workers, my least favorite customer types:

“Only Does Product Research via Commercials Guy”

Sample Question:  “Why doesn’t this (look/perform) like it does in the commercials?”

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background:  This person is the person who goes into McDonalds and gets upset that their McDouble doesn’t look like it does on the menu. This person is entirely too lazy to do any research on their product or service that isn’t thrust in front of them during showings of “Burn Notice” or “Royal Pains” or some other garbage show on USA that isn’t Law and Order repeats. This person also still believes in the Tooth Fairy, because they saw that movie with The Rock. This customer seems to have a genetic inability to read fine print. This person is an asshole.

“The Tag Team”

Sample Interaction: “Hold on, my husband knows more about this stuff than I do…hold on, my wife is the one that pays the bill…hold on, my husband…” Ad infinitum.

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background: These people have an innate fear of confrontation, so they tend to pass the phone to their spouse the minute they get information they don’t like (“I’m sorry, but your device isn’t meant to withstand being thrown against a brick wall because you were mad the Knicks lost.”) That wouldn’t be a problem if they bothered to communicate ANYTHING we talked about with their spouse before handing the phone. So now I have to re-explain the issue, which gets…you guessed it…passed back to the spouse. JUST PICK SOMEONE FOR ME TO QUOTE COMPANY POLICY TO GODDAMMIT

“The Chiseler”

Sample Interaction: “So if I pretend I want to cancel my service, do you think they’ll give me (X) for free?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: This person wants something for nothing. This person is a huge fan of the sentence “I should be billing you for my time.” Welp, you may as well go ahead and send me to collections, you arrogant douchebag, because guess what? Life’s full of unpleasant interactions. If you were calling about a real issue, then maybe some empathy is in order, but you’re calling about a $10 charge on your bill because you think you can just tap on anything you see on your smartphone’s internet (I can’t imagine what this customer’s laptop/desktop looks like). Like “Commercials” customer, this customer also has a genetic inability to read fine print. I got genuine pleasure in telling this type of customer…well, you heard Dean Ambrose.

“Might Be Committing A Crime In The Background”

Sample Interaction: “Hold on a minute…*OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING*

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: They might be hitting the bong while waiting for a program to download. They might have just found out their kid called 1-800-COME IN MY MOUTH (Hey brother!) during that sleepover they had last month. You’re usually tipped off as to what’s coming by an awkward silence extending anywhere from 3-10 seconds. It’s best to just slowly back out of the call. In fact, let’s pretend none of this happened. I didn’t even write this. Don’t depose me, Child Services!

“The IT Guy”

Sample Interaction:  “I have an engineering degree from…what’s VPN?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

(via)

Background: Another blatant liar. Will tell you whatever he/she thinks is necessary for you to be in awe of their “intellect”. Usually have less education than you do, or at least behave as such. Is an insult to those who actually have engineering degrees. Have to resist every urge to scream “THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME, MENSA?!?!” at the top of my lungs. I hate this customer with a passion.

“The Good Old Days”

Sample Interaction: “This company’s going to hell! I remember when…”

Appropriate reaction GIF:  

Background: This person loooooooooves to talk about how they’ve been a customer “for 30 years”, even when the company’s only been in existence for 15. This person also has “Racist Customer” and “Veruca Salt” qualities, but they’d rather tell you about when they only had 3 channels and the company they’re currently calling would drop everything to help them. Don’t (or won’t) understand that they’re not the only customer in existence. Ultimately harmless, but frustrating nonetheless.

“Racist Customer”

Sample Interaction: “Oh, honey, thank goodness you speak English.”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: Hoo boy, where do I begin? Usually older, from either the Deep South or the Midwest. They don’t think they’re racist, they’re just “concerned about keeping jobs in America”. In their head, it’s still 1957, and they’re still pissed that the Dodgers left Brooklyn and/or that they have to share their water fountains. Love to begin the interaction with “Where are you located?”, and are eager to say “THEN YOU NEED TO TRANSFER ME TO SOMEONE IN MURRICA”. Can be easily defeated by naming NASCAR drivers. Seriously. 

“Veruca Salt”

Sample Interaction: (calling at 7pm PST) “You can’t get someone here til the morning? Well, that’s unacceptable.”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

Background: Like the “Good Old Days” customer, don’t seem to understand they’re not the only customer your organization has. LOVES the sentences “What am I paying you for?” (even though they’re not paying for anything, in many cases) and “I want to speak to your supervisor” (Yeah, they’re not helping you with your unreasonable request either.)  Primarily exist in the Midwest and West Coast. Used to getting their way, and are completely unaccustomed to hearing the word “no”. The line “Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit” from The Big Lebowski comes to mind frequently when dealing with this type of customer.

“No Identifying Information, and That’s YOUR Fault!”

Sample Interaction: “Why would I need my account number?”

Appropriate reaction GIF: 

(via)

Background: This person doesn’t feel the need to have any of their identifying information, and can’t understand why they would need any. They’re briefly convinced that you’re at the forefront of a conspiracy to keep them from accessing information that is rightfully theirs. They would be the first person to file a complaint if someone else was able to access their account information, and are easily shut down by presenting that very question to them. Usually won’t even give the courtesy of the sentence “Let me call you back” before they hang up in your ear.

“Won’t Take No For An Answer”

Sample Interaction: “No, I have NOT called in 7 times already to try to have this removed!”

Reaction GIF: 

Background: Unlike “The Chiseler”, this customer has absolutely no problems taking up an entire day (or more, if necessary) repeatedly calling in about a charge for a product or service that, while absolutely valid, they don’t feel like they should have to pay for for whatever reason. This customer also usually doesn’t understand how record keeping works, as they will deny any previous calls to their graves. Also a big fan of “Let me talk to your supervisor”, and it doesn’t work for them either.

In closing, a bit of advice if you want to get something done when calling a customer service labyrinth:

a)      BE POLITE: I understand you’ve called in 3 times already, and I understand you think the previous person hung up on you. Hell, maybe they did. But I did not. Keep it civil, and the person on the other end of the phone (if they’re worth a damn, and yes, I know some aren’t) will go out of their way to help you.

b)      KEEP IT SHORT AND STAY ON TOPIC: We don’t care about your grandkids coming to see you or about how your neighborhood is going to shit. We’re just here to change your wifi password.

c)       TAKE IT EASY WITH THE SURVEY: Many organizations are calling or emailing you after your call to survey how the advisor did. If you’re unhappy with a company’s policy or something of that nature, DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON THE SURVEY. Your “bad day” might have just cost that person their job. Chill.

d)      BE POLITE: It bears repeating.

I would also like to thank each and every person that I had the pleasure of working with over the last 6 years. You made the job tolerable, even fun at times, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

@johnathanrush

The Sad Panda Diaries #3: Just A Few (Un)Kind Words

Exclusive: You're best known for underage porn and doing a song called "He's My Bitch". (via)

I’m becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m afraid.

It’s not by design. When I posted the first entry here, I made a joke about becoming “that guy”. But the fact of the matter is I started the blog when I was laid off, and now I’m not. Not only am I not laid off, but I represent a multinational company and shit. (That’s as specific as I’m getting. I’m not getting fired for having a very profane blog.) So, unfortunately, some aspects of my life have had to take the hit. You want more entries? Get a Kickstarter going so I can quit my job. Or follow me on Facebook/Twitter. I’m more prolific there, and for the record, I keep the Facebook page PG ever since my grandma yelled at me about my language. Sorry, Grandma. You should probably quit reading this now, though.

And really, get on the Kickstarter thing. That’d be awesome.

A couple of things brought me back. The first being partial motivation for the title; if you do follow me on Facebook, you read this already, but if not: I had a co-worker (the only co-worker I’ve dared to show this to) read the blog, and had some very kind things to say, which genuinely touched me and gave me motivation to put letters to Word template even though I’d not felt much like it recently.

Which leads me to the second thing: The Steubenville Rape Trial, which has now officially kicked off and gotten very ugly, very fast. I’m sure I’m not the first person who has let the facts of this case depress them horribly, and I’m sure I won’t be the last, especially with more horrifying information released by the day. The only thing that can really be hoped for is swift justice for the victim.

One thing I seriously have trouble stomaching, though, is the continued running down of an entire city, as well as its residents. I’ve had it with feeling like I’m a quasi-rapist, or someone who protects the dregs of society because of where I happened to be born or where my family decided to plant their flag. I’ve also had it with people who couldn’t fucking point Steubenville out on a map before any of this started, deciding they’re judge, jury, and executioner, and declaring that 15,000 people are all guilty. 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

Sure, Steubenville’s an easy target. It’s a city that, even at its economic peak, had a reputation for corruption that’s always been whispered about. Hell, its 3 most famous residents are a lounge singer, an oddsmaker, and an underage porn star. It’s also a city that now houses some of the proudest people I’ve ever known; people that value hard work and respect their fellow man. People who deserve better than “Stupidville”, which is clever and original, by the way. I can almost see these mouth breathing dipshits type it out, nod silently to themselves, hit “Send” and wait for the adulation, thumbs up, and +1s.

You don’t deserve them. You deserve the very same scorn and hatred that you choose to pile on strangers.

SO, in the previously stolen FJM style, I’ve decided to head to some of my favorite comment sections (Yahoo!, HuffPo, and the like), picked out some of the winningest comments, and basically picked them apart because I hate them and it makes me laugh. Everything is (sic)’ed, because I want to highlight just how stupid some of these assholes come across. Onward.

(Also: New, less divisive title!)

Starting off with the big boys at Yahoo! (and if you haven’t yet, read Dan Wetzel’s article. Excellent work per usual. The comments come from that article):

“Yeah, because she was completely innocent in this. Every one of the people involved share the blame. It's unfortunate that it happened to her, but she put herself in that situation willingly by all accounts, so she can't put ALL of the blame on everyone else. They were definitely wrong for taking advantage of the situation, but she is far from ‘innocent’.”

There is exactly one correct sentence in this comment. A high school girl not being able to handle her booze is not grounds to be sexually assaulted, nor does it take away her ‘innocence’ in the matter. You’re awful.

“So many lessons in this tale. However, no one will learn. 6 months from now we will be reading a story with the phrase ‘reminiscent of the infamous Steubenville Rape Case...’”

No venom here, as this is sadly the truth.

“What I want to know is , why is a (Ed. note: okay, I had to edit something. I know it’s Yahoo! and everything, but my God…) holding the ankles of a white GIRL. in the first place. ???????”

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit, Internet person. I truly hope you’re childless.

“As a father, I can say that young women need to wake the #$%$ up. All of those sexy pictures and videos you post on Facebook and elsewhere, along with all of your "barely there" clothes are only an invitation to trouble. I don't feel sorry one little bit for girls who act like little sl*ts and then go crying to their parents or the police when something happens to them.”

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit, Internet person. I truly hope you’re lying about not being childless. What the hell is this, The Accused? 

“Typical democrats.”

lolwut

“Population: 30,603
White Population: 26,700
Black Population: 4,037
guess what both rapist are black = Hate crime, Wheres AL Sharpton stand on this”

Skin color is hard for some people, I guess? (via)

Skin color is hard for a lot of people, apparently, as I saw this comment, or those in a similar vein, 30-40 times. No exaggeration. Also, your math is wildly incorrect. 

Amazing, no “Stupidville” sightings yet, but I can’t hang with the Yahoo! comment sections. I haven’t ever read the N-bomb that many times, I don’t think.

CNN’s comment section seems to be full of “If it were my daughter…” bullshit and cries for castration. Some lowlights:

“Would you sing the same song if it were your sister, daughter, cousin, best friend? I doubt it. These kids were raised to be SOCIOPATHIC. Millions cop a BUZZ WITHOUT COMMITTING RAPE.....OVER, AND OVER, AT A VARIETY OF PARTIES. Good God, these punks deserve PRISON TIME. This should follow them forever, no sports careers, no jobs in the limelight, no college football(penn state would take them) nothing but cleaning out cesspools. Since they won't learn anything from this, they are DOOMED to live a life without a conscience, and they will pay. Everybody pays at some point in time.”

If this is anybody but Drew Magary, YOU’RE STEALING MY BIT. Also, nice job working Penn State into the conversation, because those cases are totally the same.

“There was no intercourse, this was teenage fondling that's probably pretty typical.”

I’m finding it sad and defeating of the purpose of this entry that most of these entries are making me shake my head in sadness rather than anger. "Just some harmless finger blasting!" GTFOH. 

Come on, AOL.com. You’re the joke e-mail address (or real e-mail address) of grandmothers everywhere, and are just as hip. Don’t let me down…oh, and your news page links directly to HuffPo! Perrrrrrrrrrrfect:

“You're lucky that someone didn't enlarge the back door for you, because if they had, some people would be saying that you deserved it because you got drunk.”

And yes, for the record, “enlarge the back door” is absolutely a euphemism for anal rape. Charming.

“This comment has been removed due to violations of our [Guidelines]”

(via)

WHAT’S THIS CENSORSHIP SHIT?!?! IS THIS NOT ‘MURRICA!?!? You disappoint me, HuffPo.

“So the defense in Ohio is saying...If you slip her a Mickey you can have yourself a quicky....The Stubenville... "Drug her an Mug her defense"....If you rape someone in a coma it's still rape isn't it? How did this defense lawyer make it through law school??”

*sigh* OK, A) you’re a shitty poet. Like, awful. B) You spelled “StEubenville” wrong. C) Since you’re quick to make generalizations about an entire town, allow me to make generalizations about you based on this comment: YOU’RE A FUCKING THIRD GRADER WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW A TRIAL WORKS.

“It sounds to me, that if so many in the town of Steubenville, were so complicit in a vengeful set-up of one of their female citizens, then the whole town should be brought up on charges, and the
townspeople should each pay restitution to this female rape victim, as a compensation for this terrible crime committed against her.”

Fuck right off, lady. Seriously. “…the townspeople should each pay restitution…”? Why should my sister have to pay for idiots that she doesn’t know or have any control over? Why should my mother have to pay when she raised her children the right way? Why should students at Franciscan have to pay for a crime committed before they arrived in the city? What this idiot is basically saying is that not only should an entire town be held culpable for the actions of a few, but also be held financially accountable. How ‘bout this, Treasurer? Tend to your own fucking garden before you try to start setting economic policy for a place you’ve never heard of before last August, OK? Thanks.

And on that note, I can take no more. I was hoping for more vitriol, but all this did was bum me right the hell out. I’m not one to do this normally, as my religious and spiritual beliefs are no one's business but mine, but bless that girl.

And to hell with pretty much everyone else.

(Not you.)

@johnathanrush 

The Butthurt Diaries #2 - Name That Squirt

Never. Gets. Old. (via)

OH HAI 2013

First blog post of 2013, and if the goal of this thing was to write about things I enjoy, the Flyers-Penguins rivalry is definitely something to write about.

It’s not much of a secret to anyone that knows me that I hate the Penguins, and hold a large portion of their fanbase in contempt. Most of my unhinged scribblings re: Flyers/Pens has been on Twitter, but not today.

(BACKSTORY COMING)

So I suppose, for those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter/don’t have a Twitter account/could care less about Twitter, that I should explain why I’m going the “running diary” route rather than live-tweeting, which is what I usually do, to the chagrin of most of my followers. Aside from the fact that the blog needs entries, Twitter might prove to be a giant pain in the ass should the Flyers game not go the way I want. This is thanks to trolling (and getting trolled by) a certain Pittsburgh sports “personality” (I can’t think of anything else to call him, and his nicknames for himself are fucking ludicrous) that panders to the lowest common denominator. I get his role in the sports media, and he’s obviously very good at what he does, but he’s never been my cup of tea, and I don’t respond very well to being addressed as “bitch”. Never have. One tweet leads to another, which leads to calling someone a “fat fucking never-was blowhard”, which leads to…well, mouth-breathing chaos.

Mom, you’ll be upset to know that some jerkoff from Pittsburgh thinks you should have aborted me. Sorry, but I promised him I’d pass on the message.

Also, I don’t care where he went to school, Andrew Taglianetti is the fucking man.

I figured, since I’d still be unhinged, and didn’t want to run the risk of having to deal with Shawn from Blawnox, that I’d try to lay as much as I could about the game out in a Word document, time-stamp it, and lay it out here. I’ve already proven to be an unoriginal bastard in the past, and I feel a little less bad about ripping someone else off the second time. Kinda like what hitmen say about killing people. Running diary, here we go!

(Also, I know we’re at the inevitable backlash point where the word “butthurt” isn’t cool anymore. But I’m not changing the name today, mainly because of indifference.)

12:18pm – We are live in the Rush/Bug apartment, and we just found out that we’re getting boned. Screw you, regional coverage, I have absolutely no desire to watch Blackhawks/Kings today. I also have no immediate plans or desire to move to a closer market (eat me, it’s 68 degrees here today), so I’m just going to impotently bitch about it on the Internet. That’ll show ‘em.

12:19 – I can at least watch the WVU/Purdue game on CBS while I’m…I DON’T WANT TO WATCH KANSAS/TEXAS GODDAMMIT REGIONAL COVERAGE I HATE YOU SO MUCH

12:20 – Took my bitching to Twitter, where I had a very nice WVU fan send me a link to watch the Mountaineers, at least. I’m sure I can do the same thing with the Flyers game, because if there’s one thing Flyers fans are, it’s willing to help a stranger.

12:30 – “And West Virginia hits their first 2 point field goal of the day!”, comes the announcement with 9 minutes gone in the first half. Yeesh.

12:35 – Man, “Mob Wives” is a lot more interesting than what’s going on in West Lafayette. I don’t know if that reflects worse on the Mountaineers or myself.

12:37 – So, in 7 minutes of “Mob Wives”, I’ve seen fights, knives getting waved around, and a little kid with a gaudy-ass St. Something medal that’s as big as his head. I’ve seen West Virginia make one field goal in the paint. You can understand why my attention is skewed.

12:40 – Just watched Kevin Noreen (he was Mr. Basketball in Minnesota, y’all!) hold the ball at the top of the key for a good 6 seconds, then hand it to Juwan Staten, who throws up an awful shot with the shot clock still in double digits. Perilously close to giving “Mob Wives” the nod until the hockey game starts.

12:44 – You get TWO steps, Juwan. No more. And of course, after the charge takes a bucket off the board, Purdue goes down and hits a 3. Jesus.

12:47 – I’m ashamed to admit that 2 of these “Mob Wives” could get it.  Or maybe they’re attractive to me because the other women on the show are hideous bordering on frightening. I don’t know.

12:55 – West Virginia goes into the half down by 14, and it really hasn’t even been that close. We are smack in the middle of the dreaded “long year” in Morgantown. Really wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t make any postseason tournament at this point. Why prolong this?

Speaking of “why prolong this”, the puck doesn’t drop for another 40 minutes. Ugh. And someone just called someone else on “Mob Wives” a jagoff. I need to eat something while I still can.

1:25 – I come back from lunch to find WVU down by 26 and every online link I can find for the Flyers/Pens game is showing Blackhawks/Kings. This is a shitty omen.

1:34 – Finally check NBC Sports’ website, which has what I’m looking for. Why I didn’t think to actually look on the site of the network carrying the game first, I’m not sure. That place looks packed. And orange. Very orange.

1:35 – NBC’s camera focuses on Sidney Crosby during warmups, then jiggle the camera rapidly up and down. Made me a little dizzy, and I was already nauseous. (ZING)

1:38 – Here we go.

1:42 – Really liking how the Flyers have started out, just as Doc Emrick brings up 80% of Philadelphia’s roster having some sort of hockey activity during the lockout.

1:43 – Our first penalty kill situation of the year, as Giroux gets hit with an interference. Or not, as the referees send a guy to the box (Braydon Coburn) that wasn’t even on ice at the time.

1:44 – Lot of firsts today, obviously. Here is our first great save made by a guy that got caught waaaaay out of position. Fucking Bryz, man.

1:45 – Physical play, baby.

1:46 – And our first deficit, which wasn’t entirely Bryz’s fault due to a deflection. Not an ideal start, obviously. But then again, we know how well an early lead worked out the last several times they played.

1:48 – Hearing the Flyers go on the “PECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POWER PLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” was kind of like taking an opiate.

1:49 – Watching NBC Sports take their “star cam” abruptly off of Hartnell to focus on Fleury after a stoppage in play. Well, that was kinda harsh.

1:51 – And the failure to cash in on said power play is the harsh comedown from said opiate.

1:52 – Had to use the commercial break to give Bug a hug. Dumbledore died, and she was a little bummed out. I look over to the other game to see Jonathan Quick has given up 2 early goals. It was desperately hard to not make a “Quick deficit” joke.

1:54 – And it’s now a 2 goal deficit in Philadelphia, as James Neal roasts Bryz. Little worried, you guys.

1:56 – My feed comes back just in time to see Crosby take another shot. It wouldn’t be the worst plan Peter Laviolette ever had if the goal was “Get under his skin”. It’s happened before.

1:58 – NBC, your shit is not up to par, server-wise. Step your game up.

2:00 – And upon further review, the first Penguins goal could have very well been credited to Luke Schenn. Dynamite debut in orange and black, kid. #MissUJVR

2:02 – The Flyers go back on the power play after Simon Despres locks Wayne Simmonds in a bear hug while Simmer was in pursuit. The Pens’ D has looked markedly improved over last year, which does not bode well.

2:04 – Dynamite stop by MAF in the Flyers’ 3^rd shot of the game. Wouldn’t be too huge of a deal if there weren’t 13 minutes gone in the first.

2:05 – Pens kill, with not much more pressure from Philly on the PP. Frowns galore.

2:07 – In LA, there’s a shellacking going on. Nice to see someone’s having a worse day, at least.

2:09 – At no point do I want to ever see Bryzgalov on his ass, spinning like he’s on an amusement park ride. Just saw it twice in 15 seconds.

2:12 – Another power play attempt, as Brandon Sutter gets called on….something. Interference is the official call, but hard to get pumped after what’s been seen to this point.

2:13 – Great pressure this power play, but nothing as of yet. Might have been a post, but that might also have been a “Harry Potter” noise from a room over.

2:14 – The Flyers’ PP2 has looked like dog’s ass. Another wasted opportunity. And now Zac Rinaldo is on the ice. Woof.

2:16 – Brandon Sutter is making the Staal trade look magnificent for Pittsburgh. Just an observation that’s not about my team.

2:18 – We’re an end-of-period goal away from replicating Game 1 of last year’s ECQF. Fortunately, that doesn’t happen, and the Flyers go into the 1^st intermission down 2. Looked like they only showed up for the first and last 5 minutes of the period. Ain’t that a familiar tale.

2:26 – So the online feed doesn’t show any intermission highlights from other games, but they make sure to get me back in time to see the feature on Sidney Crosby. You’re a peach, NBC.

2:29 – Might want to find your helmet and stick, Jonathan Bernier. The beatdown continues in Los Angeles. And for those who might be curious, I went out of my way to not watch any of the Stanley Cup stuff before the game. I’m not hating, I don’t think. Good for them, Mike Richards and Ron Hextall in particular. I just don’t want to see any team celebrate a Stanley Cup that isn’t Philadelphia. (Cue “You’re never gonna see a Stanley Cup banner get raised! How sad for you!” jokes)

2:32 – The synth guy in LA is loooooooooooooooooving “Separate Ways”.

2:36 – We get back to the action, and quickly, G buries one off of a beautiful pass by Hartsy, throwing both myself and Spy into hysterics. (Spy likes Claude Giroux.) Very happy Giroux was the first to get on the board today. Well done, captain.

2:39 – I compose myself to find James Neal come very close to taking it back. Might want to think about doing something about him, Lavy.

2:40 – Goddamn it, NBC servers.

2:41 – The crowd is back into it in Philly, which is a nice change. Was like a morgue in the 1^st. Hartnell and Giroux get another chance, but aren’t able to take advantage, and a Philadelphia penalty is forthcoming (cross-checking on the good Schenn brother). Would really suck to lose momentum here.

2:43 – Is Eric Cartman screaming “Go Kings Go!” on my TV? Son of a bitch, it is.

2:45 – Hey, a penalty kill! Also, “Philadelphia isn’t a Flyers town, Philadelphia is a hockey town” made me feel good, for some reason. Never been to Philly in my life, and only driven through it once.

2:46 – NBC’s “star cam” was frozen on Simmonds for a few seconds. I’m sure someone in a control room somewhere was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed.  

2:47 – The acid feeling in my stomach has somewhat dissipated. The Flyers have looked much better in the 2^nd, which, considering Laviolette’s reputation as one of the better makers of between-period adjustments, shouldn’t be surprising.

2:49 – “People better get used to Giroux and Crosby for a lot of years.” Pierre McGuire, you jinx.

2:51 – The Pens and Rangers are being discussed as possible equals. Bummer to not hear the Flyers not mentioned there, but I understand it.

2:52 – Both goalies make highlight-caliber saves within 30 seconds of each other. Bryz hasn’t looked bad at all, which is nice after seeing his own-goal against New Jersey played ad nauseum during the pregame.

2:53 – Scott Laughton (the Flyers’ 1^st round pick this year) makes his first appearance, or at least the first appearance I’ve noticed (He ended up with 12 minutes of ice time, and lost 4 of the 6 faceoffs he took). Words are exchanged between Simmonds and somebody, which fortunately leads to no penalties. Let’s keep it at words only while we’re losing, scoring forwards. You too, Hartnell.

2:57 – “BIG DRIVE BY HARTNELL!!!” I’ve missed you, Doc. Also, the chippiness factor in this game has definitely picked up.

2:58 – Lots more to like this period as a Flyers fan.

2:59 – Andrej Meszaros gets consecutive scoring chances that Fleury is able to deflect away. We might need a lucky bounce or two to get this even, the way he’s looked to this point.

3:01 – Brandon Sutter does more to make me hate the Staal trade. The slobbering he’s getting re: the whole “coach’s son” thing, I could do without. He’s good enough without it, and whoever liked the coach’s kid?

3:02 – OK, Mez. Stop it. When you have Giroux and Voracek on the ice with you, you don’t need to be the guy going on goal.

3:03 – Now singing “Make The Music With Your Mouth, Bryz” in the style of Mr. Tom Dubois.

3:04 – Fleury stones Laughton and Read back to back. Can’t say the Flower is wilting under the increased pressure.

YOU CORNY (via)

3:06 – More words and tightly grouped players behind Bryz, after another great save. Bound to happen sooner or later, it seems. If it does, gotta hope the ensuing penalties/injuries (never know) don’t hit the Flyers’ scoring too hard.

3:09 – Reminded the Flyers are on again tomorrow. That could be either awesome or quasi-traumatic.

3:10 – We’re through 2, and I’m happier about the Flyers not giving up any more goals than I am them getting on the board. Bryz has looked awesome at times, but it really feels like we’re gonna need a miracle to beat Fleury again.

I also duck quickly onto Twitter, where I see a) that some hockey fans are amazingly racist, (Edit: We're no better.) and b) chatter about Nicklas Grossmann being hurt. That would be positively awful.

3:19 – Dark Chocolate Reese’s Cups, man.

3:22 – The sound guy in LA has turned off the synth in favor of Weezer. I personally love Weezer, but they’re not music really made for a sporting event, you know?

3:23 – And because of the delay between the TV and the NBC stream, I get to hear Weezer again. Yes, Rivers, we know. You look just like him. You tell us all the time.

3:28 – A check of the internets reveal the Blues signed Wade Redden this morning. Reeeeeeeeeeeeally hoping Grossmann’s OK.

3:29 – Third period starts, and the game is now on my TV instead of my computer. Thanks, blowout in Los Angeles!

3:31 – The guy the Flyers signed INSTEAD of Wade Redden (Kurtis Foster) gets bowled over and gives the puck away in Pens territory. B-e-a-utiful.

3:32 – Eric Wellwood is fast. I’m not convinced Eric Wellwood can do much of anything else yet.

3:34 – Bryz still looks good. So does Fleury, even on SOGs from his own teammates.  

3:35 – “BIG DRIVE!!!” by Eric Wellwood comes up empty. Come on, guy. Prove me wrong. Seriously.

3:37 – Settling into the “Even if they lose, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about” mentality. That’s not a mentality I wanted to have to break out today, let alone have to settle into.

3:39 – Thinking to myself, “It only takes one to rattle Fleury”, as Wellwood comes closer and closer to Luis Mendoza territory. Then I remembered my team’s goalie is a goddamn space cadet.

And while I was crafting a corny Mighty Ducks 2 joke, G comes dangerously close to a breakaway, being offsides by inches. Upon further review, he was offsides. Not by much, but by enough.

3:43 – Under 10 minutes left. Getting caught up.

3:44 - *PING* goes the save, in Bryz’s favor. Whew.

3:45 – “No no no no NO NO NO!” Stoppage in play, still down 1. Looking rather grim.

3:47 – Come on, NBC. You can’t put a ginger kid up there for “Name That Squirt” (which is a hilarious name in its own right) and expect people to be confused as to who he grew up to be when you've got Sideshow Bob flopping around out there for the Flyers. 

The similarity is uncanny. (via)

3:48 – “Name That Squirt”. 

/dying

3:49 – Still haven’t recovered.

3:50 – Eric Tangradi playing with Malkin seems to be kind of a disservice to Malkin, unless they’re hoping 71 ups Tangradi’s game. Another random observation not about my team.

3:51 – POWER PLAY. 5 minutes left. Game pretty much on the line for the Flyers, you guys.

3:53 – A post and missing an open mouth, within the first 15 seconds. Bah.

3:54 – A bunch of nothing, a clear, and a rush to the net that still doesn’t beat the Flower. HUUUUGE assist to Craig Adams.

3:56 – Nothing. Goddamn you, PP2.

3:57 – Suuuuuuure, no problem with Reader taking a puck to the head while on the bench.

3:59 – Another power play for the Flyers, as Grossmann (who’s back) gets checked for blood and Malkin goes to the box. I have not yet mentioned Evgeni Malkin aside from my random observation.

Fuck Evgeni Malkin. Cro-Magnon lookin’ motherfucker.

This guy, man. (via)

4:00 – POST, again early in the power play. Crowd getting into it.

4:01 – Bryz out for the Flyers, 6 on 4.

4:01 – So much for that power play, as Giroux gets hit with a…questionable…tripping call. Better get back out there, Bryz. 4 on 4 for most of the last minute of the game. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Well, yeah, I would. I’d prefer it be 6-1, but what can you do.

4:03 – Offsides called, on probably the last good break the Flyers will see today. Bryz back on the bench.

4:04 – The empty netter will wrap it up.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

There were some things to like for the Flyers today. Bryz looked very good-to-great at times, and there were plenty of scoring chances. Hell, Luke Schenn was +1 with 17 minutes of ice time. But, as previously stated, the 2nd power play unit was hot garbage, and I don’t think anybody was beating Marc-Andre Fleury today.

I’m not traumatized to the point where I won’t watch tomorrow. But as a Flyers fan, you can’t ever be happy losing to the Penguins.

@johnathanrush

Never Forget Where You're From

It’s been way too long since I’ve written something here. I’m unfortunately a lot closer to living out the “prediction” I made in my first post that I would care to admit, but it’s not for a lack of trying. But as anyone can tell you, holiday stuff can eat up your time before you realize it’s gone, be it visiting with friends and family, shopping, or having rage-strokes due to dealing with other people’s “holiday spirit”.

But as the holiday wraps up, something has popped up in national news that hits very close to home for me, figuratively and literally. For those who aren’t familiar with the Steubenville Big Red rape trial, and would like more information than my original link provided, a simple Google search of “#OccupySteubenville” or “#OpRollRedRoll” will give you a more accurate picture of the cultural shitstorm brewing not 10 miles from my hometown. Steubenville’s a city I’ve personally lived in. I have family there, and a lot of my time growing up was spent there. It’s a city I have strong feelings about, and unfortunately, right now Steubenville is taking a beating.

For better or worse, I'll love you forever. (via)

To read the comment section of most any story related to the rape trial is to read some harsh judgments. The phrase “ugly little town” is one you’ll find peppered throughout. You may also find some folks (who, granted, have never set foot in the Ohio Valley and couldn’t have picked out Steubenville on a map before August 2012) that are ready and willing to condemn absolutely everyone who lives there, or has lived there, as if by having a 43952 ZIP, you’re automatically complicit in years of oppressive garbage.

It’s knee-jerk, unfair, and complete bullshit.

While Steubenville certainly had its own reputation prior to the events of August 11, the reputation was built years before those who are currently standing up for change could have done anything about it. Those who are standing up now want a different future for the area as a whole, and are doing things on their own to make it happen, whether it’s starting a business in their hometown or taking some of the best things about the Ohio Valley and sharing them with a larger audience. To lump those people in as “ugly” couldn’t be more incorrect. If those football players are "products of their environment", so are these guys. Also, it took me literally 6 seconds to come up with those 2 examples, because I went to school with these guys myself. That's just one school, in one town in the area, with guys that graduated within 3 years of each other. 

And, yes, the football culture is abhorrent. Always has been, really. Hell, even I saw it as a football player, and I only played for 2 years, and I absolutely sucked. (Seriously. Good luck finding game film with me in it that doesn't involve me standing on the sidelines. You’d have better luck finding a shrink-wrapped copy of “Bandai Stadium Events”.) Unfortunately, it’s taken help from outside the Ohio Valley for many to gain a full view of the culture at hand. Taken from experience, while not forgivable, and certainly not an excuse, it’s hard to know one may be doing something wrong if it’s all they’ve ever known.

I can’t say if I would be outside Steubenville City Hall tomorrow if I still lived at home. While I support the cause, I’ve spent a large majority of my life afraid of my own shadow. For those who will be there, I can only say this: The eyes of the world will be on Steubenville tomorrow. Help us overcome these unfounded stereotypes, and show the world that there’s more to the Ohio Valley than blind eyes and corruption.

Please.

5 Years Later

I’m sitting here, getting ready to post this, unshaven and bummed out. This is the first post I’ve done that actually depressed me.

(via)

5 years ago today, West Virginia’s football team may have suffered the biggest loss in the program’s history. A loss so stinging, it's only referred to by the final score of the game, 13-9. The only thing that stings worse is that the loss happened at the hands of the Pittsburgh Panthers, WVU’s oldest rival. It gave further credence to those who believed (and still do) that WVU’s football program isn’t any better than Pitt’s, and has given every Pitt fan an absolute argument ender. For example:

Me – “Your team hasn’t been relevant nationally since Dan Marino was there.”

Pitt Fan – “13-9.”

Me – “FUCK!” (grit more of my teeth away)

So, with December 1^st being the 5 year anniversary of one of my last living nightmares, I wanted to do something to commemorate it. With some valuable help, I was able to string together something of an oral history to give the idea of what was going through the minds of both Pitt and WVU fans before, during, and after the game.

Before we start, I would like to give a sincere thanks to Justin Myslinsky, Erik Hughes, Tim Taggart, and Steve Saner for their input. I know Thanksgiving is past and all, but I’m thankful and grateful to have friends that will take time out of their busy lives and schedules to jot down their memories to be read by maybe 30 people. So again, thank you. I show you my gratitude by not editing out anything you wrote, as hard as it was. I might have added a personal note or two, but I left everything as it was sent to me.

Here goes.

WVU came into the game with a 10-1 record, ranked #2 in the BCS, and only needed a win at home over Pitt, who was a 4-touchdown underdog and was 4-7 coming into the game.

Rush:  I had just gotten and accepted my job offer to Tucson the day before, and now it was time to watch my favorite football team clinch a spot in the title game at Pitt’s expense. For me? It was party time.

Myslinsky:  At the time I lived right off of the Kent State campus. Alicia and I were entertaining guests that night (drinking games, of course) Our guests were hesitant to come over, knowing that i might lose my shit, seeing WVU go to a National Championship game.

WVU fans were expecting the very same thing.

Hughes: I got to Morgantown the night before the game and hit the bars with my friend (a WVU grad) and got tons of shit when my friend outed me as a Pitt fan. We started tailgating early the next morning with 2 more WVU grads, one of them took leave from his army outpost in Germany just to see WV clinch a spot in the national championship again against their rivals.

Saner: Fuck that game. That is all. (Ed. Note: This is the extent of Steve’s contribution. After writing and researching this post, I don’t blame him even a little bit.)

Hughes:  I listened to all the conversations about the inevitable national championship game and met some people who already booked hotel rooms in New Orleans. The guys I was tailgating with all bought "road to New Orleans" t-shirts to celebrate the big win. I wasn't confident Pitt would even cover the spread when we headed into the stadium.

It seemed like even most Pitt fans seemed to accept what was surely coming:

Taggart:  Thinking back to day the first thing that comes to mind is when Erik called me in the middle of the afternoon trying to get me and Saner to come down. Told him Pitt was a 28 1/2 point underdog and that I was not coming to that hell hole. Later on, Saner calls to get me to come down to watch the game. After declining his invite several times he said, “Get some beer. Come down. I won't make fun of you.”

Myslinsky:  I assured our guests that i had already accepted Pitt’s fate that night and that I would stay calm.

Rush:  Pitt hadn’t won a home game in 14 months going in! Their backup QB was playing! HOW COULD THIS GO WRONG?!?!?!?!

It went spectacularly wrong. One seeming commonality, though…

Hughes:  Really the game was just a blur. The only thing I really remember was Shady McCoy carving up the WVU defense (despite some phantom holding penalties), the Panther defense controlling the "high-powered" WVU offense.....and lots of mullets.

Taggart:  Also for me the game is somewhat a blur but I do remember sitting on the couch saying to myself, “Win the first 5 min and then the next 5 and so on and so on.”

Rush:  The Coors Light helped with me not remembering much of the game, I’m sure, but I don’t. I remember LeSean McCoy gutting the D, Pat White getting hurt…

Myslinsky:  White hurt his thumb? Bud, you’re playing for a National Title birth against a 3 win team (Ed. Note: Pitt was 4-7). SUCK IT UP.

Rush:  My apartment went from raucous to semi-raucous to drunken hush to “So how’s Pitt going to gift this game?”

West Virginia had plenty of opportunities to get something going, but couldn’t. The reasons for that are debatable:

Myslinsky: Pitt fucking brought the 1980 Hugh Green defense that night and WVU couldn’t do shit.

Hughes:  It wasn't until the 4th quarter that I realized this wasn't going to be a blowout, but being a Pitt fan since birth, all I could think of was how Pitt was going to blow it down the stretch. I just kept waiting for White, Slaton, or the hairlip FB (Ed. Note: Awwwww.) to break a run but it never happened.

Taggart: As Erik said in his story, when the game got to the 4th qtr. you thought “How they gonna screw this up?” I remember a big punt return (Ed. Note: Noel Devine ran a kickoff back to the Pitt 33 with a little over 6 minutes left in the game)  and Pat White returning and saying “Welp, they made a hell of an effort but not meant to be.”

The gift never happened, and Pitt punter Dave Brytus ran out of his own end zone as time expired to give WVU their last 2 points and end the game. WVU had blown their greatest chance to make themselves a nationally relevant program, and had blown it to Pitt.

Taggart: Was shocked as hell when they win and then my phone started going crazy with calls and text messages.

Myslinsky: When the game came to an end and the scoreboard read PITT 13 WVU 9. I almost passed the fuck out. Screaming, jumping, motherfucking everything about West-By-God. Then i threw open the door ran to the meatheads apartment upstairs, waltzed in like I owned the place, screaming God knows what. They all cheered and we chugged a beer, I said “I fucking hate Ohio State, but who the fuck cares, WVU ain’t shit!” (Ed. Note: WVU’s loss allowed Ohio State a spot in the BCS National Championship Game.)

Then I called my dad, numerous times, couldn’t get through because all of his buddies were ringing his phone off the hook. Finally I got through, that moment was the single greatest conversation I have ever had with my Dad. I told him it was the greatest thing I had ever seen, Pitt-wise. He said it was right up there with the Heisman and ‘76 title. I’m pretty sure we both cried a bit. (Only wish is that i was with him that night). Then I called my boss who was an OSU fan, I think he gave me a raise on the spot.

Hughes: I was still waiting for something bad to happen until Pitt took a safety as time expired and the game was over but after looking around at the distraught WVU faithful I knew that screaming "Hail to Pitt!!!!" was a bad idea. I tried my best to hide my smile from the stadium back to the car but it was impossible.

The plan was to hit High Street after the game and party all night to the glow of burning sofas but nobody wanted to go with me. I walked up and down the street but it was empty except for a few sad, drunken fans and a ton of cops. The city was prepared for their biggest victory since Major Harris (who I saw signing autographs at a campus bookstore before the game) was at QB but there was no joy in hoopieville.

Rush: Needless to say, there wasn’t much celebration in store, and the fact that I drank progressively faster as the game went on caught up with me. I trudged/stumbled upstairs to sleep it off. I was woken up at about 3am by my roommate and some of his friends who had come to visit him for the weekend. When I went out to check and see what was going on, my roomie said, “Come on! Hang out with us! I know you’re still upset about WVU losing…” It was like they had lost all over again. My roommate later said “Dude, it looked like your face fell off.”

It may not be the greatest upset in college football history. It may not have even been the biggest upset that year (OH HAI APPALACHIAN STATE). But it is a night that both teams and their fanbases will remember for a long time.

Myslinsky: Oh what a night it was. One I will never forget. WVU might have been the better team that year, but PITT is FOREVER the better PROGRAM 

Ed. Note (via)

and they proved it that night. 13-9 HAIL TO PITT.

Taggart: It is still shocking because I don't believe anything like that will happen again. Huge expectations on one side and a huge underdog rises up and fights back.

Saner: Fuck that game. That is all. (Ed. Note: I thought it fit here too.)

@johnathanrush

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

@johnathanrush

The Butthurt Diaries: Rush vs. iTunes User Reviews

Nothing like snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Boooooo. BOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (via)

I suppose it goes without saying for anyone who has known me for longer than 20 minutes that I am not in the greatest mood today, and depending on the Cleveland Browns to elevate it is like depending on ex-girlfriends for emotional support. It’s just not going to happen. (Late edit: Of course.)

So I’m in the mood to be a total dick today. No Magnificent Seven this week, because I wanted to spend my time eviscerating things, and there’s no better place to find things that are easy to poke holes in and cut down than a comment section on the Internet.

I’ve already addressed my disdain for comment sections, YouTube in particular, in previous posts, but it’s hard to really be able to pick away at a comment on YouTube. The main reason for this is it’s hard to pick at “fuk u fag”. If you’re writing like an 8^th grader, I’m going to treat you like an 8^th grader, and I prefer to wait until you’ve at least gotten to high school before I destroy you to make myself feel better.

However, there’s one place that you can get the idiocy of YouTube with the pretension of Pitchfork: The iTunes user review section. Many a day at work has been spent looking at iTunes reviews and thinking to myself, “How In the hell do you even know how to turn a computer on, let alone to let the world know ‘Taelor Swiff ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS shez just liek meeee!’?” So I figure that today would be a great time to absolutely destroy some stranger’s stupid opinion. Because that’s what the Internet is all about.

That and titties. And bacon.

SO: In the Fire Joe Morgan style (currently going strong over at Kissing Suzy Kolber), I’m going to list some reviews (names withheld) for some older, but mainly newer movies and albums. Then I’m going to list the reasons why I believe these reviews are positively moronic, and proof your Internet provider needs to take your service away. Ready? Good. All of these reviews are listed in the iTunes reviews section as of November 18, 2012. Quotes from the reviews are italicized, and my responses are…well, not. We’ll start with movies:

Magic Mike

You went into this movie looking for depth? (via)

First I wanted to address the critic blurb left with the movie: “Channing Tatum is electrifying!” says Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly. “If I looked like that, I could just take my pants off and have people consider me electrifying too!” says Johnathan Rush of Eclectic Mess of Crap.

Rest assured, ladies, I am NOT willing to put the work in to make my body look like that. Your relationships and marriages are safe.

Now onto the review: “I guess you have to be completely shallow or just plain senseless to enjoy this movie. The ONLY good in this film is the few scenes of Channing dancing…”

So you bitch about the film being shallow, then you say the only good part of the film is when the pretty boy had his shirt off? Right-o.

“I’m sorry, Channing, I know you wrote the screenplay and it’s loosely based on your life…”

Holy shit, really? REALLY.

“but leave the writing to people who know what they’re doing. Aside from that, Channing is gorgeous.”

This review worked out to basically say, “This film is too shallow, but the only good parts were the shallow parts. The guy who wrote the film and lived the experiences has no idea what he’s talking about, and he should stop expressing himself creatively and just grate cheese on his abs.” GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC.

"You can cross. Totally. Go. NOW." (via)

That’s My Boy

This picture alone makes me like Samberg 10% less. (via)

Happy Madison movies do not age well. If you haven’t seen the “Billy Madison” or “Happy Gilmore” movies in a while, and you have good memories of them, don’t watch them again. Trust me. Opinion aside, let’s see how a current Happy Madison movie holds up, at least according to the iTunes Illuminati:

“HOW COULD ANYONE NOT LIKE THIS???”

Uh oh.

“This movie is fantastically funny – a throwback to the old Adam Sandler movies.”

That’s the problem, guy. 15 years and he’s still writing the same movie. Christ, even I’ve grown up some.

“Really, click, grown-ups, funny people – those were horrible films that barely made me laugh. This movie had me laughing hard the entire time.”

We’re 66% in agreement here. “Click” and “Grown-Ups” were awful movies. “Funny People” really wasn’t supposed to make you laugh. Surprisingly, this review didn’t end with, “Yeah, and that ‘Punch-Drunk Love’ was a crock of shit, man! Light some poo on fire! And stop trying to make movies where you don’t do funny voices!”

The Amazing Spider-Man

You can do no wrong. (via)

A reboot of the popular “Spider-Man” franchise, this movie has Emma Stone in it. That’s all that really matters, I think.

“A third of this movie is a mediocre remake of the first Spider-Man movie”

Sooooo a movie franchise was “rebooted” (which is a less offputting way of saying “remake”) and your issue is that some of the scenes were repeated. Way to adjust your expectations before sitting down, chief.

“Another third of the movie is a bad teenage soap opera”

Because that didn’t happen in any of the previous movies? Bud, Kirsten Dunst is a lot of things. A nuanced actress is not one of them.

“It was boring”

BLOW SOME SHIT UP MURRICA ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE

(via)

Moonrise Kingdom

Wes Anderson is creative. His movie posters are not. (via)

I enjoy Wes Anderson’s movies for the most part, but absolutely understand why his movies are considered to be “pretentious” (I’m getting a TON of mileage out of that word lately) and go over the head of many moviegoers. Let’s see the joy of someone not understanding either the movie or how iTunes’ terms and conditions work:

“I really need to write to Apple and get my money back on this movie”

Dear Apple,

I’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t understand what the words “all sales are final” means.

Sincerely, Whiny Fucking Idiot

Take my word for this, from personal and professional experience: If you do decide to get around to “writing to Apple”, they’ll write back within 24-48 hours to tell you that you’re not getting a penny of your money back, but they’ll also have passed around your email to their fellow employees and are laughing at how you think you’re anything more than an ineffectual dipshit.

“Apparently, what I saw and what everyone gave 5 stars is completely different.”

No, their attention span is longer than 45 seconds, so they could pay attention and enjoy the movie as a whole.

“While watching this sorry waste of time I was hoping Armageddon would strike either the characters or my local neighborhood so I could be done with this and resume watching Eat, Pray, Love…”

Deseray hates these pictures. "Cake is supposed to be for happy times!" (via)

The Big Lebowski

I am prepared to go full Sobchak on someone talking bad about this movie. (via)

Last but not least in the movie department, I wanted to see how my personal favorite movie is being reviewed in iTunes Land (to be fair, I’m not entirely certain English is the reviewer’s first language):

“This movie was so far one of the worst I have ever watch from the I-Tune store.  It contains a lot of bad and vulgar language which is repeatedly expressed by the main actors.”

Fuck you.

Now onto music, which I’m reeeeeeeeeeally looking forward to, as people tend to be rigidly stupid and close-minded about their music (I am also guilty of this):

Psy – “Gangnam Style”

(via)

Had to include this, if only because now that it’s been out of fashion for a couple of months, we should be coming up on the time where the folks in the South and Midwest pick it back up. “THE MIDWEST: BEHIND THE TIMES SINCE AT LEAST 1980”

(I’m typing out this review verbatim, as is. Frankly, because I have nothing to add. Parody review or not, it’s sparkling.)

“Man what is theise shieet? Mans thanked him for not too much haste c’mon plesase? I just have want to make a song then should sounded well and goods, but no change of chance as there was becasue I was too you yoghurt and cheese crackers something sometimes and then there that thing those ceux and his job not was to many get distrcted in elevator with him and her who was what wing chicken cracker barrel xheese. Sd memory cards are now being having able to suported maybe 256 giggle bits of data information storage @ghost peper flames in this song. Nice beats and things by the ways, all the time. Methink what is there and killer joe got a big presented by his ma”

Review doesn’t make sense? NEITHER DOES THE FUCKING SONG, regardless of translation.

The Weeknd – Trilogy

(via)

I very much like The Weeknd. His version of “Dirty Diana” is on more than one playlist of mine, so it gets fair rotation on the few occasions I do listen to music. I’m also pretty excited to sit down and give this double-disc a listen. Some of these people, on the other hand, are not:

“Copying the dream sound and Michael Jackson”

Because no one’s ever gotten rich copying Michael Jackson.

Presented without comment. (via)

“I hear a lot of noise and whining…but no music”

"Hmm. Yes. Indeed." (via)

“I am so disappointed! I will never preorder an album again!”

Yep. The reason you’re dissatisfied is not because all of these songs have already been released on his mixtapes, and if you like him enough to preorder his first album on iTunes, you most likely already own them. The reason you’re dissatisfied is because you preordered the album without looking at a track listing, and are kind of hating yourself for being an idiot who is wasteful with money.

I, on the other hand, don’t have the mixtapes. BOUGHT IT.

Taylor Swift – Red

This is not the album cover. But it should be. (via)

Ugh. The most saccharine, grating personality in music releasing her “I’m a grown up now, y’all!” album. Reading these reviews may give me the diabeetus.

(via)

“Taylor has done it again. This album is the quintessence of country pop.”

(via)

“Her venturing into more of the pop genre is clearly exhibited but her soft spoken detail filled lyrics are still there.”

“Her ruining another genre of music is totally happening, but fortunately, she’s still embarrassingly open about every guy who’s ever touched her boobies heart!”

“This album makes me proud to be a Swiftie for more than six years!”

Is this actually a thing? If so, maybe they and the Beliebers can fight to the death.

Rihanna – Unapologetic (Deluxe Version)

Insert lazy DV "joke" here. (via)

This album hasn’t even been released yet, and yet the reviews are already in. For the most part, they’re glowing. Someone, however, seems to have just discovered Rihanna, despite being a “long-time” fan.

“I’m sure the music on here is great, but she tricked us! It’s textbook.”

And she would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you darn kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg!

And what fucking textbooks are you reading? You need to drop that class. Immediately.

“Rihanna releases this wonderful, squeaky-clean song “diamonds” making me think she’s going to clean up her image, and then this. The repeated sleaziness is getting reallllllllly old.”

So a musical artist releases a clean song to play on the radio, and keeps her other music in gear with her original audience’s tastes? You don’t say!

(via)

Well! I feel much better! Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed doing it. Enjoy your week.

@johnathanrush